


Drunk men tell no lies

by Tokei_B



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, M/M, Multi, any gender you like, how do you title, some sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-04
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-22 02:06:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17653973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tokei_B/pseuds/Tokei_B
Summary: Ranmaru & Reiji go out drinking. After being thoroughly sloshed to the gills, Ranmaru ends up having to bring Reiji home afterwards.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This started as just a random piece of writing for reader dealing with very drunk Reiji and Ranmaru. 
> 
> Originally posted on my Tumblr fic blog[ here.](https://ficsandpieces.tumblr.com/post/182543036491/prequel-to-reader-drunkranmaru-and-reiji) Chapter 2 was actually written first, hence the difference between the two chapters. ^^;

“You’re so lucky, Ranran,” Reiji was slumped on the bar counter, his chin bumping erratically against the polished surface. There were tears in the corners of his eyes. “I want a Y/N too.” **  
**

Ranmaru, his brow furrowed in deep thought, was trying to figure out since when he had ordered two of everything in front of him. “Eh, you can’t have mine,” he mumbled possessively. He unsteadily reached out for one of the glasses and almost ended up knocking Reiji’s drink over as well. “Go get your own.”

“Not allowed to. There’s res-restrict–” His face scrunched up as he furtively sought the word he thought he meant. “Something. Starts with ‘r’. Manager-san would yell at me. Don’t like it when he yells. Hurts my ears.” The realization of something hit him and he punched Ranmaru’s arm, earning him a glare in return. “If I can’t have Y/N then you can’t either. Gimme.”

Bracing his other arm on the bar counter, Reiji drunkenly raised himself upwards and draped the upper half of his body on to Ranmaru. “Gimme gimme gimme…” He continued to chant, both arms now wrapped around the wide expanse of Ranmaru’s chest.

Surprisingly enough Ranmaru made no move to push him off, although this could be because he himself was beginning to sway slightly in his seat. Using Ranmaru ’s shoulder, Reiji pushed himself up so that his lips lined up with his ear.

“Hey, Ranran.” he whispered. Ranmaru’s eyes were beginning to glaze over, the multiple glasses in front of him a solid testimony of how long the two of them had been drinking so far. “Does Y/N’s voice make you cum?”

This question pierced through Ranmaru’s drunken haze like a laser from above. His face rapidly ramping up to crimson, Ranmaru was about to roar at Reiji when the lip of a glass smashed suddenly against his mouth. Reiji held it steady, one hand gripping Ranmaru’s mouth open so that he was literally pouring the drink down his throat.

“Bottoms up~” he cheered, emptying the last few drops into his own mouth and pushing the glass away across the counter. The bartender caught it as it whizzed towards him. He was a little concerned for the customer who had just had the majority of a concoction that was said to be strong enough to put down a horse forced down his throat, but he figured that since Reiji was there as well there shouldn’t be any problem. Probably, anyway.

Reiji had been to this place enough times by now to have his own tab running. The bar was discreet enough for celebrities, although it was the first time the bartender had seen Reiji bring this customer in.

Taking the pink paper umbrella from his own glass, Reiji delicately slid it behind Ranmaru’s ear.

“Perfect. So pretty.” Throwing both arms over Ranmaru who was beginning to do a passable imitation of the hand of a metronome at this point, he rubbed his cheek against his. “Can’t have Y/N, Ranran. I don’t deserve someone like that. I’m no good, no good at all. People go away cos of me.” His voice grew thick with tears. “They go away and never come back again.”

Ranmaru finally turned to face Reiji and answered him with a resounding headbutt straight to the forehead. Reiji shrieked, both their bar stools teetering dangerously in circles as he frantically clung to Ranmaru to avoid falling over.

He pushed his face right up into Reiji’s. The bartender could practically see the fumes rising from Ranmaru’s mouth as he growled.

“Fuckin’ idiot,” he slurred.His voice was loud enough to make Reiji try to lean back, only to be stopped by Ranmaru’s arm around his waist. “Who says you’re no good, huh? Who’s the bastard who said that? Lemme at ‘em, I’ll show ‘em who’s no good!”

Reiji’s arm shot up and waved. “Me!” he announced, like a diligent student answering his teacher’s question. “I said that! Cos it’s true!”

The last dredges of Ranmaru’s logic that hadn’t been drowned in alcohol at this point told him that he probably shouldn’t punch the lights out of the same person he was trying to defend. He settled for giving Reiji a sharp cuff around the head, followed by hooking an arm around his neck to pull him closer.

“You listen here,” Reiji grimaced as he boomed into his ear. “You listen Reiji, you’re-you’re okay. You got that? You’re fuckin’ noisy and run off when you shouldn’t and don’t know when to shut up and get into so much shit that I dunno why the boss hasn’t fired your ass yet–”

Reiji was openly blubbering at this point.

“But you!” He jabbed a finger into Reiji’s chest, making him yelp in pain through his tears. “You got us together. You’re a-a magnet, yeah?” He jabbed a few more times for emphasis. “You pulled us all together. No wait, you’re glue. That’s right, that’s what you are. You’re what’s sticking us together, so you’re glue, Reiji!” He crowed triumphantly. To celebrate this discovery, he called for another drink and slammed it back the second it arrived.

“You guys,” Reiji sobbed, his tears and snot creating damp patches on Ranmaru’s shirt. “You guys wouldn’t work with me at all—” The last word ended in a drawn out wail. Ranmaru had to awkwardly pat him on the back before he continued. “I wanted to give up so many times! So many! Times!” Each word was punctuated with a much weaker headbutt of his own into Ranmaru’s now very wet chest. He finished by sniffing loudly and slumping his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder.

Ranmaru wasn’t sure when he was supposed to stop rubbing Reiji’s back, but the repetitive action was weirdly soothing in its own way to him as well so he continued.  

“But you stuck it out with us, yeah?”

Reiji nodded miserably and hiccuped. “I had to. I-I wanted to see it out to the end. The end…” he trailed off, the words nuzzled into Ranmaru’s neck. “I don’t want things to end like this… Don’t wanna…”

The fact that Reiji had stopped talking took a few minutes to make its way through the sea of alcohol currently sloshing around Ranmaru’s head. He looked down at the mess of brown hair occupying most of his chest. Getting no response despite how much he pushed Reiji’s head around or hollered at him, he took a look at his surroundings, at the impressive collection of glasses that both of them had managed to amass-and forbidden the bartender to clear, for some reason- and decided muzzily that it was probably time to leave.

It was a testament to Ranmaru’s alcohol tolerance that he had downed a second of the potent mixture that Reiji had poured into him just minutes ago and was still upright. Or vertically balanced at best. Well, balanced enough to need only one hand on the bar counter to stand up, his other arm occupied with supporting Reiji who had regained some consciousness and was now weeping noisily into his collar. The world whirled and he sagged for a moment.

He stared blearily at the bartender who shook his head and indicated with his chin towards Reiji, who was now beginning to resemble a koala clinging onto to the last eucalyptus tree left in the forest, the tree in this case being Ranmaru. Taking it to mean that he didn’t have to go to the extra effort of remembering where his wallet was (he was pretty sure that he had brought it, he just wasn’t very sure where on his person it was at the moment. Come to think of it, seeing as how Reiji had been the one to bring him here, he wasn’t sure where  _he_  was at the moment either), he nodded back in acknowledgement.

He turned to go, and continued turning. The damned place didn’t seem to have a door for him to exit from. After watching him angrily stomp around in erratic circles for a while, the bartender finally took pity on him and spoke up.     

“Taxi?” he asked quietly. Ranmaru glared at him but he remained unfazed. He met Ranmaru’s heavily inebriated glower with a level gaze of his own and asked the question again. His brain still trying its best to work despite the fumes practically rising from his head, Ranmaru nodded again, rasping out a rough thanks before gratefully collapsing onto the nearest bar stool.

It was a good thing that he wasn’t sober enough to feel much pain at the moment, because he missed the chair completely and ended up crashing spectacularly onto the floor instead. Reiji, vaguely aware that they had gone horizontal very suddenly, took the opportunity to wrap his legs around Ranmaru’s waist and stayed there.

*

Barely managing to give coherent enough directions to the taxi driver, Ranmaru had just closed his eyes to doze the rest of the way home when he heard Reiji mumble his name. He rumbled sleepily in response, one hand landing heavily on Reiji’s head.

“I’m sorry. It’s all my fault that I’m like this. So it’s okay if-if you wanna go,” Despite what he said, his hands tightened around Ranmaru’s back, wrinkling the material of his shirt. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t want any of you to leave. But I’ll understand if you want to.” His voice cracked into another sob. “But you gotta promise that you’ll tell me first. I’ll listen. I’ll pick up the phone this time, cross my heart…” He fell silent again, his tears slowly soaking into Ranmaru’s chest.

Ranmaru tilted his head back and sighed.

“Idiot,” He drawled loudly. His head swayed forwards with the movement of the taxi. His fingers hooked into the back of Reiji’s collar and tugged on it halfheartedly. “Couldn’t get rid of you even if I tried. See? So just shut up.” He went back to awkwardly thumping Reiji’s back. “I’m stuck with you now. Better get used to it.”

He didn’t know if he was telling that to himself or Reiji currently tearfully dozing off in his lap, but it sounded right to him.


	2. Chapter 2

Ranmaru and Reiji go out drinking, and it’s when Ranmaru ends up bringing Reiji home with him that you find out that your boyfriend is the loud affectionate drunk while Reiji’s the crying, clingy drunk (who is also very responsible and does not drink and drive, hence why Ranmaru carries him home when it’s time for the bar to close. Also because Reiji’s wrapped around him like an octopus and he figures it was too trouble trying to pry him off).

You dump them both on the sofa. Ranmaru’s softly petting Reiji’s hair as if he’s one of the cats forever roaming around the apartment both of you share. Reiji’s unusually silent, leaning against Ranmaru’s chest, his ear pressed right against where his heart is. His eyes are red and half-closed with drowsiness and tears. 

You offer them water. Ranmaru breaks out into a terrifying grin when he sees you. He reaches out to grab for you with his free hand, the other still resting on Reiji’s head, but he misses and almost knocks the mugs of water out of your hands instead. He tries to get up for a second attempt but Reiji whines and shifts his weight, all four limbs tightening around Ranmaru’s torso and legs, effectively anchoring him down. You perch on the remaining silver of space left on the sofa, well within reach for Ranmaru to grab hold of your shoulder and roughly pull you down towards him. You narrowly miss landing right on top of Reiji. Reiji sniffs and mumbles something in his sleep at the disturbance. One of his arms lets go of Ranmaru and latches around your waist. You look up at the glaringly pink paper umbrella tucked snugly behind one of Ranmaru’s ears and wonder if you should ask.

Convinced that all is right with world now that both of you are secured in his arms, Ranmaru starts snoring. Reiji’s sniffles quiet down. You can already feel your back and waist getting ready to present their complaints about the awkward position that you’re currently in and will probably be stuck in for the next few hours.

*

The second time this happens, you wait for both of them to start snoring before you creep closer, two sets of matching pajamas in your hands. (You have no reservations about stripping Reiji down to his underpants because he’s practically an extension of yours and Ranmaru’s relationship at this point.) 

When you’re done, you snap a picture with your phone for evidence. Reiji looks surprisingly good in pink with teddy bears. Ranmaru not so much, but the animal ears on his hoodie makes him look soft, even with his mouth open and drooling in sleep. 

You forward the photo to them the next day while they’re at work. 

Reiji immediately posts it on all his private social media accounts, captioned by strings of hearts, sparkles and blushing and kissy faces.

Ranmaru’s torn between being outraged, mortified and miffed that it took Reiji entering the picture for you to consent to couple clothing and it wasn’t even between you and him.

It’s a long, long time before there is a third time.

(You were feeling generous that night and approached with a blanket and good intentions. You find out too late that both of them were just pretending to be drunk and asleep. 

It’s almost insulting when you wake up on the floor the next morning and it’s not just your back that’s sore and bruised while the two of them are already awake and smirking at you.)

  
  



End file.
